if I was a psycho...

Hello there Syberworld and all the other million readers I got.

On my way to work I ran over five different kinds of animal with my bike. One of them had an owner who made a big deal about it, but come on - dogs don't live forever, so I just took off.

When I was at work last night five hookers told me they wanted to have sex with me for free. I told them that I only wanted a hamburger, so they left. They were probably high on crack, possibly cocaine. Then my boss forced me to lick the floor of the restaurant. I licked the whole floor clean in 16 minutes, which is a world record.

After work I went to the store and bought a lottery ticket, and won a million Swedish crowns! I spent it all on this Nigerian prince who was banished from his kingdom, or something like that. That's what the email said, anyway. I also spent it on soda, which I hate.

Prediction: I will win Nobel Prize next year. Category: undecided. I could win them all if I wanted to.

Best movie ever: The Sweetest Thing

Fun fact: Squirrels are quite flat, even before you run them over.

Actual fact: This post is all bullshit, but I'm pretty sure you already understood that.

random scene from a movie

From "A Clockwork Orange".

INT. PEDESTRIAN UNDERPASS TUNNEL - NIGHT

A Tramp lying in tunnel, singing.

TRAMP

In Dublin's fair city
Where the girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
As she wheeled her wheelbarrow
Through streets wide and narrow...

Shadows of the boys approaching fall across Tramp.

TRAMP

Crying cockless and mussels alive,
Alive O...
Alive, alive O... Alive, alive O...
Crying cockless and mussels alive,
Alive O...

ALEX (V.O.)

One thing I could never stand is to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blerp, blerp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was.

The boys stop and applaud him.

TRAMP

Can you... can you spare some cutter, me brothers?

Alex rams his stick into the Tramp's stomach. The boys laugh.

TRAMP

Oh-hhh!!! Go on, do me in you bastard cowards. I don't want to live anyway, not in a stinking world like this.

ALEX

Oh - and what's so stinking about it?

TRAMP

It's a stinking world because there's no law and order any more. It's a stinking world because it lets the young get onto the old like you done. It's no world for an old man any more. What sort of a world is it at all? Men on the moon and men spinning around the earth and there's not no attention paid to earthly law and order no more.

The Tramp starts singing again.

TRAMP

Oh dear land, I fought for thee
and brought you peace and victory.

Alex and gang move in and start beating up on old Tramp.

You should really see the scene with your own eyes. This text doesn't nearly do it justice. The cinematography, the steam from Alex's mouth, and the ol' ultraviolence.

stupid people in theatres...

Feeling a bit better. Only my nose is blown to bits and my throat is still killing me. Still a little feverish, but nothing like the post below. Yeesh, that was really something. The gnome is still here, though. Tried capturing him with my new camera, but he avoids it somehow.

I went to see "Spider-man 3" last week. I'm not gonna write about the movie, at least not now. I am gonna write about how fucking horrible the experience in the theatre was. First, the focus was off during the whole fucking movie. I complained twice to the projectionist, and on the second try he said that the whole print that was sent to the theatre was flawed, he couldn't get it any sharper. Let's illustrate.

This is how Spider-man should look:



This is what Spider-man looked like in the theatre I went to:



Granted, I could've just walked out and probably gotten my money back, but then I have to go to the next town so I could see another print, which is a hassle, considering I don't have a car. So I endured a blurry picture for 2 hours and 20 minutes. But that's not all I endured.

"Spider-man 3" marks the last time I go to a movie with a PG-13-rating (which in Sweden translates more or less automatically into age 11) on the premiere weekend, unless it's a night screening.

It should be known that unless the movie is so horribly bad I want to puke (like that sorry excuse for a movie called "The Sweetest Thing"), I try to live into the emotion that the movie wants to hit. When a group of eleven-year-olds (or possibly older) laugh obnoxiously at every single emotional point in the movie, it kinda brings me out of the experience. No, let me rephrase, it fucking ruins it. Sure, "Spider-man 3" is full of unintentional humor, but when that happens, you snicker a bit to yourself. You don't go "BWAHAHAHAHAH THATS STUPIDD AND FUNNI LOL ROFL STUPIDD MOVEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111".

This is why I don't want to write anything about the movie like I usually do. And now I hear "Die Hard 4.0" aka "Live Free or Die Hard" is getting a PG-13-rating. I give up. I should just wait for a good release from the pirate groups and just download the fucking thing from now on.

(By the way, still kidding about the gnome. No more gnome-jokes. For gnowme.)

feverish...

Yes, I own that movie. Want it?

Sick again. Second time in two months, and I usually only get sick once or twice a year. And very far in between. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm sure it's just my fever playing tricks with me, which has never happened before. It never felt this real, at least. I want to take a shower, but I might wake Lina up, and she has to get up early to her job. The gnome in my shoe is eating my laces.
I just sneezed twice. I thought my nose was gonna explode.

By the way, I was totally kidding about the gnome. It's in the kitchen, eating biscuits.

Sneezed again. The gnome is laughing. What an ass.

Forgot to mention that I've gotten a new camera, finally. Maybe I can photograph my own death? I'm fucking brilliant!

Jesus, reading back, one might think I've gone and lost it. I haven't. Promise. I'll delete this when I'm feeling better.